Sometimes I have dreams. Most of these consist of really lame adventures to the grocery store, or to the airport, or to the kitchen (apparently I get hungry while I sleep). Every once in a great while though, I’m lucky enough to have a fantastic dream. These include, but are not limited to: flying dreams, superhero dreams, rock star dreams, etc. Last night I had one of these types of dreams.

I dreamed of the future.

I won’t bore you with the details, but I will say this: my future looks amazing. For a long time, I’ve been very uneasy about the future. And in the span of 5 hours last night, all that got washed away.

I can’t wait.

1. Because this time is different.
2. Because this time I know what I want.
3. Because you aren’t her.
4. Because you’re my best friend.
5. Because this is the first time in my life that I feel like I’m not fighting God.
6. Because I know we’re in a good situation.
7. Because we fit each other perfectly(and I’m a perfectionist).
8. Because you leave me awe struck by doing the simplest things.
9. Because we always laugh together.
10. Because you read me like an open book, even if I don’t admit it.
11. Because we believe in each other.
12. Because you push me to be closer to God.
13. Because I think about you all the time.
14. Because you get excited about the simple things that excite me too.
15. Because I’ve learned.
16. Because you put the biggest smiles on my face.
17. Because we spend just as much time having important conversations as we do talking about nothing.
18. Because I can sing Blink 182 at the top of my lungs and you’ll still think I’m worth it.
19. Because you think I’m worth it in the first place.
20. Because you are so much more than I deserve.
21. Because there’s nothing that we can’t do together.
22. Because I stay up til 4 in the morning because I’m so happy that you’re in my life.
23. Because we support each other.
24. Because you can actually tickle me.
25. Because you give me hope.
26. Because I never feel alone with you.
27. Because you never tell me what to do.
28. Because I value your opinion.
29. Because we continually grow closer.
30. Because all the songs I write are about you, at least a little bit.
31. Because you’re the answer to countless prayers.
32. Because I’ve never been so in-tune with someone.
33. Because you have earned my complete trust in a very short amount of time.
34. Because you’re the last thing on my mind before I fall asleep.
35. Because you became my best friend before I even started having feelings for you.
36. Because I’m always honest with you.
37. Because you make time stand still.
38. Because I care more about you than the world.
39. Because we can go on long drives together.
40. Because I want to show you all of my secret spots throughout the city.
41. Because I can talk to your family extremely easily, even when you aren’t in the room.
42. Because you have blown my mind more times than anyone else.
43. Because you fell asleep, and I loved every second of it.
44. Because we make each other smile.
45. Because you inspire me.
46. Because I want to make you happy.
47. Because music is just as much a part of your soul as it is mine.
48. Because you listen to me geek out about my recording stuff and you always stay just as excited as me.
49. Because you make my heart skip beats.
50. Because I know how far we could go.
51. Because I can’t take my eyes off you.
52. Because you’re smarter than you’ll ever give yourself credit for.
53. Because I know you’re going to be a great mother, which is always a great quality.
54. Because my life doesn’t mean as much without you in it, trust me.
55. Because you want to broaden my musical horizons.
56. Because you’re the only person in the world who can call me “pal” besides my dad.
57. Because you respect the fact that I don’t like the J word, even though I know it’s weird.
58. Because we can talk until 3 in the morning and be smiling the entire time.
59. Because I talked about you to my parents(it’s a big deal).
60. Because you dressed up like a chicken.
61. Because life’s better when you’re around.
62. Because you can take a terrible day and turn it into one of my favorite days.
63. Because you actually want to hear my song writing process.
64. Because I never get tired of you.
65. Because we both love football.
66. Because I can never hold you long enough.
67. Because you deal with my constant sarcasm and love me anyway.
68. Because you make me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside.
69. Because I secretly love your “clammy” hands.
70. Because you’re so ticklish.
71. Because we always have fun, no matter what we do.
72. Because I love your musical taste.
73. Because you always take my plate, and I’m always going to try to stop you.
74. Because I’ve never met anyone like you before.
75. Because I like you, a lot, more than I’ve ever liked anyone before, and that’s not going to change.

I will always love you. Whether or not you want to believe that is up to you. It’s the truth, plain and simple. So because of that, I want to be completely honest with you right now. I don’t care if you hate my guts, or if you just don’t take anything I say for the truth, but here it is, and then I’ll be done:

She was just a friend. The ENTIRE time. You had absolutely nothing to worry about with her. I asked you to trust me, and you couldn’t. I understand why it was hard, and I understand that it looked suspicious. But my word should have been more important to you. I wouldn’t lie to you. I cared about you too much to let someone come between us. Yet, that’s exactly what happened. I could deal with everything else, but that was one step too far. Now I know why:

She was God’s plan for me.

For so long I had fought myself to make us work, to convince myself that you were God’s choice for me. I invested myself in you, told you my darkest secrets, and continued to try to will myself to believe we belonged together. People told me it wasn’t a good relationship, that they saw the emotional and physical stress it was putting on me, but I ignored them. You were too important for that. And even in the end, I couldn’t bring myself to say goodbye. I had to believe that this was just temporary. I told people I knew it was the right decision, and it was, but I still felt that tug at my heart saying I was supposed to be with you. Even after all those unhappy times, I still wanted to be yours.

Then God decided he was done waiting for me to get it right. I spent more time with friends, more time playing music, and more time with her. She became my best friend in an incredibly short amount of time. I started telling her things it had taken me months to tell you. Somehow, she worked her way through my walls like they didn’t even exist. I started falling for her, not even realizing I was doing so. As time went on it became more apparent to me how I felt, how far I’d really fallen for her. She had snuck into my heart.

And that’s where she’ll stay.

I could say I feel guilty, or remorseful, but I’d be lying. I could say that I hope things work out between us, that I think we’ll have a chance again, but I’d be lying about that too. I have to be honest. I have to say that she makes me happy, that she brings me joy, and makes me smile. I have to say that I wouldn’t change anything that’s happened, because it’s all led to this.

My only hope is that you can find someone who makes you feel the exact same way, because I still love you, and I think you deserve that.

Honest.

This is where my life stopped being about “I”.

Up until now, I’ve put off growing up, trying instead to be eternally youthful(or forever young if you prefer). I’ve continually been irresponsible. I forget the things my parents ask me to do, or worse, remember and not do them anyway. I show up late, even for the things I love. I refuse to take responsibility for my actions, even when I know how thought out they might have been. But today, that changes. I have failed myself. I knew, absolutely knew, that I was strong enough to withstand anything. And I was wrong. Today I’m taking a stand against the worst enemy I’ve ever known:

Myself.

You see, I’ve seen what I am, what I’ve become, and I am disgusted. I have acted like a child for so many years, all the while losing credibility with my parents, my family, and my friends.

I am a liar. I know it, and recognizing it is a step in the right direction. We’ll call it step 1. A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step. Deep, I know, but that’s where I am right now:

Step 1.